This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Letting my true feelings out... Never done this before. :/
Here recently, I have been realizing a lot of things about myself. I'm realizing that I'm really sad, majority of the time, but I just smile and hide it 24/7. I've never told anyone how I truly feel, cause I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I also feel ashamed for letting this out, but I feel like it has to be done.
For a while now, I've been really depressed. About life, about dating, etc. I realize now that something has to change, starting with my body. I can't stand to even look at myself anymore. I see so many girls and I wish I was there size. I know this is what is keeping me from being in a relationship - no guy is ever gonna be attracted to me with the way I look. I've always wanted that sweet, hand-holding, forever relationship, but I realize now that I'm never gonna get it looking like this. I honestly and truly dislike myself, so much. It hurts so much to admit it, but it's the truth. I'm tired of guys passing me by and just over-looking me, and never noticing me like I want them to.
And I'm really tired of skinny girls saying "oh I think I look fat, yada, yada, yada." Do you not know how sick it makes me feel? Do you not know how much I wanna burst out crying when you say something like that? It hurts more than anything in the world. It really does. And I'm tired of it.
I really really really need to find some self-confidence and start losing weight. I know it's gonna be hard, but I Need to do it, and do it fast. I wish I had someone by my side to help me, but I guess I'll have to depend on God 100% and let Him guide me through this. He can be my motivator and make me a better person.
Just pray for me, pray I can do this, that's all I ask.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I cannot believe how much has changed within the past few weeks. About this time, three weeks ago, I was laying in my bed, in my very own apartment. I recently made a very fast decision to move out on my own in early August, which I now realize, was a very bad idea...I just didn't know it back then. I decided I wanted to move out on my own when I realized I was making enough money to pay my bills and possibly pay rent, so I asked my "friend" what she thought about moving out, and within days we were touring apartments. I was so nervous, excited, and scared to be looking at these places and realizing I would be on my own soon, but I loved it. A week later, I told my family I was moving out, we had gotten a really good deal on a 2 bedroom apartment and within that week, I would be leaving. My dad is very protective, so he took it hard. It made me very sad to leave them, but I knew I could handle being on my own. I'm an independent girl, so I knew it wouldn't be that hard, plus having a roommate made it easier.
Well, as the days flew by, me and my roommate were slowly drifting apart, she would go to bed before I came home from work on late nights, we would not see each other for a couple days at a time it seemed like. And as more days went by, I realized that I have totally picked the wrong person to live with. The person I chose is not the person I thought she was. She ended up being a slob, a liar, don't wanna put this in a harsh way but she was a psycho path, and I'm sure now that she was doing VERY bad things that I won't discuss on here.
So, after living on my own for a month and a half - two months, she decided that she wasn't gonna live there anymore and forced me to move out of the apartment because she broke the lease. And since the power bill was in her name, she turned the power off on me. I literally sat in my walk-n closet and cried for an hour after she told me. She told me one Friday night, around 11 p.m. She moved all of her stuff out that next day. And I had to get everything out of the apartment by Monday because that's when the power would be cut off. I was in pure shock, so disappointed in her, and mad. All these emotions running at once were causing me the most stress I have ever been in, in my life. I knew I couldn't afford a 1 bedroom on my own, so back to home I went. Thank God my family took me back in and had enough room for me still, otherwise I would have been on the streets. But since she broke the lease, I now have to come up with nearly $1000 to pay off the lease fees, all because of her, which is also causing me more stress.
But for now, am just leaning to God and praying each night that He will help me and get me through this. I am working my tail off to pay off these bills and start over. I'm ready to go back to school and start a Medical career within the next year / year and a half. I no longer have my own apartment, or one of my best friends, but I do have God, my loving family and other true friends by my side and I realize that I'm better off now then where I was three weeks ago.
Thanks to whoever read this, I just had to let it all out...